My favourite thing to draw, a flower!

I have always wondered why I draw flowers again and again. Even when I was learning how to sketch in my younger days, I always drew flowers. Even when I first learnt how to paint I painted flowers, as if they are my kind and I know they will never disappoint me. Maybe because I always wanted to prove to myself and others that there is some aspect of beauty attached to me. At Least something about me is feminine and beautiful, and I can get the attention of people for all the right reasons I yearned for.

I am 32 and still trying to figure out a way to get rid of imposter syndrome. I feel like a hardcore procrastinator who has a deep sense of fear of failure who knows nothing and is bad at everything, still looking for validation from others in every stroke my pencil makes. Thinking, if the audience likes what I draw, there is something special about me to be loved that others see and I don’t. Imagine how I feel when my drawing goes unnoticed or hated, I fall into a deep pit where I am worthless and have wasted my years looking for what I am good at. So I make sure I draw what people will always like and will not judge me for.

My thoughts, beliefs and the way I look at life was always different from what my environment displayed to me so I felt aloof and isolated. I felt like a weird being that no one can understand, so I tried my best to fit-in by portraying myself as someone who I Am not, that confused my identity to the point that I couldn’t know who Iam.

Flowers always supported me. Drawing flowers always got me the praises and validation that I can draw well and make something beautiful. It was always safe to draw flowers and soon I developed this habit of doodling flowers even when I’m not purposefully thinking or wanting to draw them.

It’s not like I love flowers or have any special affinity towards them. Infact I was never surrounded by flowers or received any in my life till date, but I always drew them, maybe to fill in the emptiness in my soul. I remember this one time I was in a summer art class in my 7th grade and this teacher of mine painted a yellow flower in my drawing book looking at this freshly plucked yellow flower kept in a glass of water. She was showing me techniques of painting real life objects, showing me where the color is strong and opaque, and where the translucence of water paint can bring in depth. I was amazed by the beauty she created in my drawing book, I felt like I can also create this beauty and everyone will love me then. The lines and colors were not perfect but the whole painting had an emotion of beauty, I wanted to be able to imitate that, but I was naive, I didn’t know back then that copying is not my thing.

I tried to copy my art teacher’s painting and sketching style to draw beautiful flower bouquets on paper, I did succeed to some extent as I got good remarks and appreciations out of it, but never liked it personally. It became a pattern to impress people, I kept drawing the same thing again and again, kept hating myself for the shallowness I felt after drawing that and faking the smile after I got the audience cheering for me, the pleasure did not last long enough. Years later I saw myself practicing the habit of hurting myself by drawing flowers, I have had few changes in the way I draw them now, I draw them more doodly with less realism, maybe a subconscious decision for me to feel that I have changed and now love myself enough to at least not hate my guts. I still go blank every time I sit with a piece of white paper and can only doodle a flower, when it’s the last thing I want to doodle.

I want to discover and develop my style of sketching, I guess it aligns with my thought to be able to define who I am one day, but the only thing I know about my skill or as I call it my shortcoming, is that I draw flowers. It’s like a battle with myself, it’s like I want to be great at something but hate the thing I can be great at. I want to be an illustration artist but have rarely found joy in practicing or the journey that will take me there. The journey needs a lot of bravery and, clarity of mind and purpose, but I still look for validation. It’s legit hard.

I’m writing my emotions and hoping that I could love myself and my creations someday, and find joy in discovering myself. Be able to earn my livelihood from it someday. I want to find my strength in being unique and free, driven by creativity to find my own answers outside my boxed societal norms. I want to be free from chains and the weight of validation. I want to accept my present and bury my past in peace to have a rebirth as the person I always knew I was. Maybe someday I will fall in love with the fact that I draw flowers.

Recently another thought about flowers made its space in my mind. I was always a hidden rebellion, I like starting silent and non harmful wars with myself and society. Yes, Iam my own freedom fighter. A part of drawing flowers came naturally to me as there are no set rules of beauty there, even a mistake or imperfection results in a sketch which is recognised as a drawing of a beautiful flower. There is no existence of an ugly flower, by definition a flower stands for beauty. Flowers are found in all colors, shapes and sizes, so I never faced any pressure that I will really push society boundaries by drawing something that may look ugly to their eyes. A messed up line, color or shape still resulted in something that everyone could call “a flower” and find it beautiful. Slowly pushing my thoughts through actions to the world and myself that “different” is also beautiful. Uniquely colored and shaped flowers together creates magic in my eyes and slowly allows me to push the boundaries of beauty and art within me.

I have always judged and hated parts of me and my journey on this earth till date, I have felt alone like a weirdo and may be some part of me will continue to feel like that, but I do realise that with time that part is going smaller and smaller, opening these unexplored places in my mind for self love, healing and discovery of my infinite worth as a human. I do wish to fall in love with myself and my creations one day, accepting every decision I have made to become this beautiful person Iam today. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the right, the wrong, the perfect, the imperfect, the mishaps, is all part of me, who is a flower.

Oh! one more thing, did I mention that I made a Herbarium in my school days? I collected 100+ flowers during my summer holidays, pressed them carefully in books, slept on those books for a smooth press, and searched for their scientific names and designed a book with all of them in it. Maybe I did have some affinity towards flowers, discovering happy memories everyday.